How To Handle Haters, Bullies, & Naysayers

Label Negativity, Use Humor, or Just Ignore Them

A couple weeks ago the U.S. Congress stooped to the level of middle schoolers when Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Georgia) suggested Rep. Jasmine Crocket’s (D-Texas) “fake eyelashes” were somehow affecting her ability to participate in the House Oversight Committee.

This quickly spiraled into a petty back-and-forth, with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-New York) issuing a fierce “how dare you” followed by another schoolyard diss from Crocket. See this (thankfully) edited piece from Politico for the whole mess.

All I can say to this is “aren’t you embarrassed?”

Haters Happen

Outsmart the Learning Curve has nothing to do with politics. It’s about how ordinary people can improve and achieve extraordinary things even in the face of adversity. Some of this adversity will likely include people who purposefully make it harder for you to achieve your goals. The term of the moment for these people is “haters,” so let’s go with that. We’ve all faced haters, but who are these people, what motivates them, and how do you deal with them?

How to deal with detractors like this one. Credit: Creative Commons.

Haters come in many forms whether online trolls, subversive co-workers, or narcissistic family members. A plethora of blogs, opinion pieces, and books seem to agree that haters are driven by these rather lowly motivations:

1. Low Self-Esteem. They put down people to make themselves feel better about their own shortcomings.

2. Jealousy. The haters are envious of what others have achieved or possess.

3. Thrill Seeking. They find enjoyment and excitement in causing disruption and provoking reactions.

4. Schadenfreude. The German term meaning to derive pleasure from other people’s misfortune is real. Knowing an enemy is worse off can make some people feel good.

5. Revenge. People who feel wronged or even feel like your point of view is wrong will lash out. Of course, like the video above, both sides can be drawn into this revenge game and spin things out of control quickly.

Just knowing the haters’ motivations are so sad might help you reel back the emotion in a response and give room for logic.

Response Options

When I first watched the video from the House Oversight Committee, my amygdala released so much cortisol and adrenaline that several minutes after I watched it, I was still ruminating about how I would have responded if put in a similar position.

After I cooled down, my logical side was able to take over, and I realized that Rep. Greene was mostly motivated by #3 above “Thrill Seeking.” Both Rep. Ocasio-Cortez and Rep. Crockett fell right into Greene’s trap.

They reacted to the provocation and created a long, meaningless disruption. Given the fallout from this incident, an outraged reaction and a slap back probably wasn’t the best path forward.

So how might you deal with a similar situation?

Take Control of Your Reaction

The best first step is to stop and take a breath right after the hater has made a triggering statement or action. This is admittedly hard to do, but with practice, stepping outside your knee-jerk rage can be done with three simple steps:

1. Recognize that rage-y feeling inside of you and pause.

2. Ask yourself why you are so angry. The answer will likely be you feel criticized, judged or betrayed triggered by the hater’s statement or action.

3. Assess which of the five hater motivations above are driving their behavior.

Taking those three steps should help you move this reaction from the reptilian amygdala to the homo sapien frontal cortex. Just this pause may be enough time to let the moment pass, which could be the right course of action as you’ll see below. Either way, now you’re in a position to logically decide how to react.

Label Their Negativity

One strategy is to calmly call out their inappropriate comment or behavior and then redirect the focus. In the Oversight Committee Case, Crockett might have responded:

Commenting on people's appearance isn't productive, Rep. Greene. Let's focus on the task at hand as politely and respectfully as possible.

This makes it clear that personal attacks are off-limits and communicates you won’t be drawn into a petty back-and-forth.

Use Humor

Using humor is my personal go to when faced with a variety of sticky situations. It calms everyone down, deflects negativity, and brings people back together with a laugh (hopefully). Taking this strategy Crockett may have responded:

I appreciate your concern for my eyelashes and how they might affect my vision, Rep. Greene. Thankfully, Congressional cosmetologists ensured that my vision is clear, and I’m looking my best.”

Your humor may not be my humor, but any form of it would have de-escalated the situation and perhaps allowed the committee to move on.

Set Boundaries and Move On

Acknowledge the statement or action is out of bounds and then get back to business. This needs to be done with a calming but confident tone, otherwise, it may instigate more petty back and forth.

Let’s ignore comments on anyone’s appearance. Moving on…

Ignore It Completely

Sometimes the best response is no response at all. Refusing to engage with hater negativity can often diffuse the situation and deny them the attention they crave. It might feel like they’re “getting away with it” in the moment but remember they do it to get a reaction. If they don’t get a reaction, they’re less and less likely to use that technique.

When faced with haters and their petty provocations, it's natural to feel angry and want to lash out in response. Give yourself room by taking a breath and then try labeling their negativity, using humor, setting boundaries, or ignoring them completely.

Rise above their tactics, defuse the situation, and refocus on what truly matters.